The Toxic Box, Part 1

Ruth and I connected when she called for a ½ hour free coaching session over the phone. I’m glad she called. We were able to get to the heart of the matter in a very short amount of time.

Ruth was excited with the prospect of a whole new beginning. In three weeks she was moving to a beautiful condo in the city. She told me that she was managing her stress well, particularly important because she ran her own business.

She then told me about her “Toxic Box” (actually three boxes) that held memorabilia and photos from her marriage, which ended five years ago. She felt she should have purged long ago, and certainly needed to do so before her move, but found it really hard. Her tone of voice indicated that it wasn’t a bad marriage. She did not offer details. I did not need to know them to help her.

To make clutter-clearing easier, Ruth needed to first clear up her thinking.

Her intentions were good, but her thinking caused more difficulty than the clutter, itself.

“Toxic” substances make people sick. I needed to know if Ruth literally felt sick when she approached her “toxic boxes.”

“No, just sad, really sad,” she said.

By deeming the boxes toxic, Ruth was essentially telling herself to stay away from them - the right response to something that can make you sick. She also misrepresented her experience. She set up a conflict of interest. It’s hard to clear clutter when you are telling yourself not to approach it.

Yet, “sad” is an appropriate feeling to have, and accurately represented her experience. Though undesirable, “sad, really sad” is less repellant than “toxic”.

“Purging” is an awful, yet commonly used word to describe de-cluttering. Purging is the last thing Ruth should do. Who wants to uncontrollably throw up their stuff – even if it is clutter?

After explaining this to Ruth, she laughed, seeing the differences.

I went on to say, “It would help a great deal if you replaced “purging” (loss of control) with “choosing to let go” (in control). By doing so, you will put yourself back into a position of power. Remember, it’s not all about loss. You can choose to keep some of the memorabilia. It may not be all clutter.”

“Wow… I never thought of it like that… I’m so relieved! But I should have done it by now,” she insisted.

To be continued…