Are Your Friends Clutter?

 

I made some very hard choices this year. Three close friends had become my clutter, and had to go. 

We had fun over the years, intimately confiding in each other, offering support, but I was constantly putting up with stuff that made me feel bad.   

Friends’ Behavior:

1. Never calling to say she was running late.
2. Unilaterally changing plans or inviting people to join our rare time together.
3. Never ready or on time. 

Maybe you know people like this. 

Of course there were times when we would get together and it was fine, even good, really good. After all we were friends. What I didn't have was faith. Every time we made plans, I never knew if they would show up, throwing me into doubt, insecurity. It was unnerving. 

What really got me, though, was their response to my concerns. 

Friends’ Response:

1. “Sorry for the miscommunication. I meant to call you.” (She doesn't have a cell phone or didn't use her boyfriend's.)
2. “You have a problem with difference.” (I alone am the problem.)
3. “You know I am an alcoholic.” (She made the plane to Mexico and doctor appointments on time.)

No flexibility, accountability or shared responsibility.  

I was stunned. I knew they cared about me. All three were exceptionally smart, insightful, often generous and kind, yet I felt controlled and manipulated, disrespected.

I tried to not let it bother me. I knew their behavior wasn’t unique to me. I sought counsel to see what I was doing wrong and how to make things right. It all became very tiring. 

Do you have friends who wear you out? Professional Coach, Cheryl Richardson describes six exhausting types of people:

• The Blamer
• The Complainer
• The Drainer
• The Shamer
• The Discounter - Bingo! My friends discounted my feelings.
• The Gossip

It wasn’t just them, though. To stay in relationship with them, I would have to discount my feelings, too.

I don’t give up easily. They weren't going to change. I was making myself miserable in the trap of right or wrong, doing double-flips to stay in the relationship. Whoa! I kept trying to find a compromise, but all I ended up doing was compromising myself. 

The whys, hows, and what if’s didn’t matter any longer. No right or wrong; we just weren't a good fit. What mattered was that I was exhausted, and had to change.  

Staying friends with them was like choosing to eat a toxic piece of an otherwise delicious pie. You can’t have your pie and eat it too. Well, I couldn’t eat the pie without tasting the poison.

To let go, I had to remember a few things about de-cluttering:

1. Notice without judgement. I had to accept that they weren’t going to change, and neither was I. The truth. Instead of criticizing them or myself, let go and let it be.
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2. If it doesn’t feel good, it’s clutter. Though sad, letting go would release me of feeling bad, and make room for more of what I wanted - better friends. 
3. There was no right or wrong; there’s just deciding what’s good for me. Letting go of them was taking better care of me.

I retreated. In a few weeks, I actually started to feel better.